Tea With Aizen
by Giru
Summary: Or The Diary of Ulquiorra Schiffer


**Monday, 22****nd**** of August**

**11:15 pm**

I was born today. Well, that's what Aizen-sama tells me. I'm having strange flashbacks, though… memories of a past life?

**11:30 pm**

Aizen-sama called me his most highly-esteemed Arrancar. I'm so happy to please Aizen-sama…

**11:31 pm**

What the hell is an Arrancar, anyway?

**Tuesday, 23****rd**** of August**

**12:23 pm**

Was introduced to Ichimaru Gin, who told me I was pretty and that I should consider wearing eye makeup. I asked him if he would like to have one of my eyes since he didn't appear to have any of his own. He just grinned at me more – he must not have heard me.

Asked Aizen-sama what an "Arrancar" is. He smirked and told me it was another name for a sex toy.

**12:24 pm**

Wait… I'm not a sex toy.

**12:25 pm**

I think.

**12:26 pm**

Don't even know what this "sex" thing is, anyhow.

**1:51 pm**

Ah, so that's what it is.

**Wednesday, 24****th**** of August**

**9:05 am**

Breakfast was dreadful. The food here is awful. Dried squid isn't supposed to be able to move, right?

**1:14 pm**

Aizen-sama looked rather miffed when I shared with him my opinions about the food. I am to be punished for my insolence. No meals for a week.

**7:55 pm**

I'm hungry.

**Thursday, 25****th ****of August**

**6:04 am**

Woke up to find a tall dark man with strange sunglasses staring at me, which was a bit alarming. I asked him what he was staring at and he replied that he wasn't staring at anything, because he was blind. Wasn't quite sure how to answer. My stomach chose to answer for me, in the form of a (rather loud) growl. A bit awkward. The man then said something vague involving his vision and the path of justice, and strode out of the room. I think I'll catch another hour of sleep.

**8:00 am**

Discovered that the slightly creepy man from earlier is Kaname Tousen, another one of my superiors.

The logistics of this world baffle me. Kaname-sama has eyes but can't see, and Ichimaru-sama has no eyes but can see just fine.

Still hungry.

**11:15 am**

Chastised by Aizen-sama for skipping out on breakfast. When I asked him why I was to attend meals when I was forbidden to eat, he smirked and told me he enjoyed the starved look on my face as I watched others eat.

Aizen-sama isn't very compassionate, it seems.

**8:38 pm**

Dinner was excruciating. Even the dried squid is looking appetizing, now.

I was informed by Kaname-sama that I would have a partner to work with starting tomorrow. I bowed and thanked him, although I don't really know what I need a partner for. I don't actually do any work.

**10:57 pm**

The hole in my neck is itching. Scratching doesn't help. Sleep now.

**Friday, 26****th**** of August**

**2:16 pm**

If by "partner to work with" Kaname-sama intended to say, "huge smelly troll to babysit", then that clears up a few things. Have to room with him, too.

Still very hungry.

**5:30 pm**

Not just one new Arrancar created, but twenty? Don't understand why Aizen-sama needs that many sex toys.

Hole still itching. It seems to be expanding, too.

**Saturday, 27****th**** of August**

**1:17 pm**

Don't think I am very fond of Grimmjow Jaggerjack. Anyone who's _that_ proud of a big number 6 tattoed right above his ass is questionable in my book. He made a big show out of enjoying his BLT at lunch. I sense a stab in my direction.

The first "Espada" meeting is scheduled for this evening following dinner. Hope I don't collapse from malnourishment. I doubt that would go over well with Aizen-sama, although Ichimaru-sama might find it entertaining.

**10:21 pm**

It seems that my duties as an Arrancar are finally expanding. In addition to being a sex toy, I am now to inspect the human world for threats.

Hungry.

**Sunday, 28****th**** of August**

**7:30 am**

Was woken up by Ichimaru-sama simply to be told to go back to sleep because I had the day off. Then he kissed me on the nose, grinned, and pranced out of the room.

…And this is Aizen-sama's right-hand man…?

I think I'll go back to sleep anyway.

**10:16 am**

And now I've awoken for the second time today. I think it was my own grumbling innards that woke me.

**8:49 pm**

Spent most of the day lying on my bed thinking about food. I even wrote a haiku.

_Weeping tears of blood_

_Wishing and hoping for some_

_Delicious dried squid _

I don't think it's sad enough. Maybe, "dying" instead of "hoping"?

**9:13 pm**

Screw this, going to sleep.

**Monday, 29****th**** of August**

**9:52 am**

Today most definitely not going well. Was groped by one of Jaggerjack's lackies on the way to breakfast. Some weirdo called Dee Roy. Not even an Espada. Trash. At least I don't wear a rock on my head.

Then at breakfast, Jaggerjack asked me why I was crying black tears. Told the idiot it was a fashion statement and then he laughed at me with that ugly raucious laugh and took a huge bite out of his English muffin. And chewed with his mouth wide open.

Ichimaru-sama didn't even defend me, despite that it was he who suggested the makeup in the first place. Feel so betrayed.

Feel hungry, too.

**4:16 pm**

The hole below my neck is now big enough to Yammi to stick his hand though. And Yammi has really big hands. And it's still itching. This sucks.

**Tuesday, 30****th**** of August**

**6:11 am**

I appear to have fallen asleep at my table early yesterday. Fallen asleep, or fainted? I hope Aizen-sama doesn't punish me for missing dinner.

**6:14 am**

Well, unless it's _that_ kind of punishment.

**8:14 am**

Am going to kill that huge blundering ass, Yammi. He had so smash his way into the bathroom while I was doing my makeup, and made me poke out my eye with the eyeliner stick. Now my eyeball is all dirty and I have to _wash_ it before I put it back in and the soap really stings it, you know.

**8:22 am**

Owwwww. Stupid Yammi.

**12:41 pm**

Eye still stinging. Stupid soap, stupid Yammi. Where the hell is my motrin? Am going to lie down for a bit to sleep off the pain.

**4:15 pm**

Jumped out of bed after realizing I'd napped way to long. Knocked my head on the top bunk and chipped the end of the horn on my mask. Goddamn bunk beds. I swear I'm getting the top bunk from Yammi next time the sheets are changed.

**4:17 pm**

My horn, oh God my beautiful, wonderful horn…

**6:55 pm**

Dee Roy poked my poor, chipped horn and asked if I needed a nail file. I hope his rock splits in half, along with his head.

**9:04 pm**

At dinner, Kaname-sama passed the butter to Ichimaru-sama _right through the hole in my chest._

Hate my life. Good night.

**Wednesday, 31****st**** of August**

**9:12 am**

Food. Foooooooooooooood…! My meal-less week is up and now who cares about chipped horns or bunk beds or itchy chest-holes or dirty eyes. Oh, heaven…!

**1:35 pm**

Ohmigod, lunch.

**4:55 pm**

What's this, the hole in my chest is shrinking? And it's not itching any longer… hunger caused that?

Oh, I don't even care. I'm eating dried squid.

**8:14 pm**

At dinner Aizen-sama smiled at me and told me he was overjoyed to see me in such good health, before offering me a bite of his pot roast.

He really is a sweet man, that Aizen-sama.

**10:10 pm**

Tomorrow it's off to the human world. First mission, in the human world no less. What will happen, I wonder? Not that there's going to be anything but trash there. But I will gladly do as Aizen-sama commands. And right now he's commanding me to come to his chambers to join him for tea tonight.

"Tea", huh?

-The End- 


End file.
